Hey, Miss J!

I’m trying to put words to how I feel right now. When I feel depressed, I would always go into what I call “death spirals” depending on the severity.

My medication was stepped down a dose… and yet… I hurt, but not as much as I could.

I lost a very good friend last month… and I’m handling it both better and worse than I thought I would.

I didn’t know I would feel anything at all…

But I did and oh… how much I detest death. I’ve lost so many family and friends to illnesses, old age and accidents…

I don’t want to sleep and not wake up. I’ve not plunged nearly as far as I worried I would at the service today.

I take pictures at times… little snapshots in time, to remind myself of things I’ve either seen or experienced. Sometimes, I share pictures of flowers or food with my friends.

Outside of writing, it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Smiling faces, hugs, flowers, food and butterflies… I enjoy beautiful things.

I have to backup and empty my gallery at current. My cellphone is close to running out of space to store all the pictures.

Again.

And then there are times I record sad things… like today. I wanted so badly to cover my face, didn’t want to have any indicator how much I hurt to show…

I resisted.

I’ve never viewed death as a friend as some have. I’ve always seen it as the enemy it is… something so foreign and unnatural.

Something that should never exist. Pain, heartache… illnesses, suffering and death. All of it are unwelcome.

Instead, for years I just sought ways for the pain to end… and if death was it, that was it.

Fortunately, I always froze in a near state of catatonia which prevented me from doing something very very stupid.

Now though… I want to try to squeeze as much joy out of the time I might have left with the loved ones that still remain.

While I still remain.

I want to try.

I just don’t know if my body will cooperate with me and if so… for how long?

Till Then

~ J. Lyst