Hey, Miss J!

I can round this month off by stating how utterly annoyed I am with myself at present. I thought I was done with wrestling with side-effects of these drugs, but no.

No, that would make too much sense.

Coming to an emotional and physical plateau would be fine. Too bad that I never seem to be able to keep my head above water. I’m avoiding major depressive episodes on the basis of sheer force of will alone.

A step down in medication for me this week meant:

• a step down in confusion, a step where I’m less foggy.
• a step down in profuse perspiration, a more stable heartrate.
• a step up in depression, a sliding scale on personal attention to detail.
• a step up in fatigue, anxiety still won’t let me be.

Honestly… what is going on?? I don’t understand this.

I wanted to have stable emotions, to stop having manic episodes. But I ended up with stuff I did not want.

How bad is it?

Can I be honest about this? Suffering in silence is not fun.

You have a chance to avoid reading further.

I wish I had the chance to avoid experiencing this.

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You can’t say that constantly dealing with saturated underwear is something that I wanted. It is most certainly NOT what I wanted at all. But it came part and parcel with reducing depression.

I don’t want this. I can’t be physically ill on a regular basis and yet constantly dealing with such…

I’ve not used profanity in my blog. At least not yet.

Don’t plan on doing it now.

No medication at all, and I would go back to how I was before… dealing with fatigue, but not having the ‘forced’ energy that comes from the pills. Coming off one would mean the other would be off as well.

Since medication increased the anxiety, it should decrease with no pills at all, right?

Then I’ll be back on the emotional rollercoaster that I’ve been riding the rapids through for the last twenty+ years.

Suicidal thoughts would replace frustratingly intense libidinous urges.

Black and formless thoughts complete with drooling would replace crystal clear clarity and an intense overflow of bodily fluids.

I’d want to end my life every other day, but I would have dry underwear.

Good grief! Which one is worse? Being gloomy and feeling dejected – or having to fight a voracious carnal appetite? I can’t even escape that latter one in my sleep.

…It’s probably a good thing that I don’t remember much of my dreams these days.

To top it off, I’m also dealing with muscular pain from my fourth shot. Since I’m immune compromised, this shot wasn’t just a booster, but my third full injection of the vaccine.

I also require a 5^th shot.

Grr…

Because I needed to drive this week, I’m also off schedule with my happy yellow or pink pills. The ones that shut down the problems caused by meds for depression.

At the end of this week, I need to drive again, but I plan on working at least 1 dose or a double dose into each day in the middle.

Drive à Double Dose à Sleep

And since I now understand that I must have low dopamine levels, I’m going to force myself back into exercising again. I need to get my endorphins up and feel better about myself.

At least it’ll offer me 30-60 minute where I’m not focused on what’s bothering me.

The pedal exerciser can be a seated girl’s best friend. Maybe I can drop some weight too? That would be very nice.

I also need an endocrinologist.

Have asked to have access to one, but all with the same result.

“Let’s treat x-y-z that’s wrong with you first!”

Ugh. I bet treating my hormonal imbalances would help a lot more.

……… Now that this rant is out of the way, I can go get chapter 14 up.

This latest installation of “Navigating the Curve” is wild.

Course I need to go edit it first.

…

Health is wealth.

Till Then!

~ J. Lyst

Bah, maybe J. Lust would make more sense – seeing as sitting on a block of ice isn’t helping at all like it’s supposed to. That is not an exaggeration either. I’ve been using those gigantic blue freezer packs people use in coolers.

‘J Lust’ just sounds nasty though, like I’m writing material I would never feel comfortable reading…

Yikes.