Hey, Miss J!

Time: 10:21pm.

Music: Heart – Stranded

I’m starting to feel excited in things again. I don’t want to take this feeling for granted. I wonder if the change is due to my pills or my family situation.

Problems and stress with family, then the pain of ignored phone calls made me very depressed. I never felt more alone when I was on FaceBook, that’s true, but dealing with people you’re supposed to be close to… and not being able to talk to them…

It hurts.

I was told before that my father could see I was calling and just chose to ignore his phone.

When I broke down and nearly broke in half back in May, he told me that while I may push away everyone else, I wasn’t allowed to push away from him.

I reminded him that he never answers his phone when I need him, but has the nerve to get angry when I don’t pick up.

I would get harried phone calls early in the morning, sometimes at 2am… or at 5am, like the time he broke a sound sleep for me – just to tell me he was dealing with a health crisis but wasn’t going to the hospital.

Why would you choose to call me then? What was the purpose of that?

He already knows I have anxiety and am still dealing with my mother’s unexpected death. Yet, he decides to do stuff like that, which throws me into overdrive. I wasn’t able to focus or think or even go back to sleep. And I ended up feeling sick.

Now, two of my pills can cause nausea if taken on an empty stomach. The solution of course is to eat before taking the pills. That medication unfortunately… causes additional anxiety, along with excessive sweating, an elevated heart rate and muscle weakness. And fatigue. Can’t forget that one.

So I take medication to treat the anxiety that I already have plus the anxiety from the medication.

And my father has the nerve to make me even more anxious.

On my new dosage (pre anxiety pill), I have far too much energy and am far too awake. I start feeling nuttier than a squirrel during the fall.

Since I mentioned to my doctor that the increased dose was causing me to have an average heart rate of 95 when seated and muscular instability – to the point of me nearly falling over, she told me to cut back to the dose I was on before.

I’ll get a call back on Monday about that.

I also learned how to use the free transportation I’m granted via insurance. It’s strange… The drivers never call me, and they drive their own personal vehicles. The first one whizzed right past my house. The first rep I called about that told me the plate number, so I was walking up to the car.

And she hung up… Then the driver pulled off right when I neared the car. I had to hobble… and it was a hobble… uphill in 80+ degree weather to reach him.

Then, hobble back down the hill in the middle of the street…

The second rep told me that I was chasing after ghosts when I told him the license plate of the other car.

After he asked.

Then told me that a new car was coming and to be outside. So I went outside and had to wait, leaning on my cane. The ride came up quickly though. They give you the last 3 digits of the license plate, tell you the color and make of the car and the name of the driver.

I learned the importance of that, all while terrified that I would be late for the venous doppler I needed on both legs.

DVTs are no joke and we were worried I had that. So away I went.

Fortunately, I’ve been told there are no signs of clots, which is good. So… that means the medication to treat my depression is causing this. But the medication to treat my depression makes me more anxious, and I need anxiety pills to calm down – the pills make me tired and disoriented a bit so I can’t drive so…

I also need to move around to help me lose weight, but the medications make me so tired and lightheaded, and then I’m in pain, but I can’t lose weight if I don’t move at all and…

If that made any sense, please let me know!

Y’know, it’s funny. Ten years ago, I had no idea that I would be going through any of this.

If I had started medication back then, I wouldn’t have been nearly as bad… Or I would be nearly brain-dead.

It’s all relative really.

I can’t be upset about having to pick up medication because it’s covered 100%, but that doesn’t mean I have to like taking and swallowing so much of it.

I’m either sucking down powder, snorting two different fluids or swallowing down pills (one at a time) first thing. And on certain days, I do all of this close together.

After cooking breakfast.

Which requires me to stand to take the pressure off my shoulders or sit and take the pressure off my legs and back.

… Yeah, I think not having the additional stress of family along with that has helped me out immensely.

We’ll see how Monday goes in terms of symptoms.

I spose if I still have them, I can go right back on the full dose again?

Why haven’t I mentioned NtC at all if that lately? Heh… It’s embarrassing to admit but I haven’t even started chapter 14 yet.

The readers will no doubt notice when I fail to post by Sunday morning. My friend is coming over again to help me clean the house, which for me involves me moving for a good 20 minutes, then perching somewhere for 10.

Then doing what I can from a seated position. ☹

Geeze, this is getting long. I’ll end it here.

Till Then!

~ J. Lyst (Did you know that my biggest typo with my name is misplacing the ‘y’ and using ‘u’ instead? Yeah… J. Lust or Juliette Lust I most certainly am not. I’m always scared I’ll post a chapter with that in it. Ugh.)

Bye For Now!