Hey, Miss J!

Last night was wonderful, and I remembered to plug myself in to sleep. Didn’t feel half dead this morning. I woke up before my alarm. Maybe it was because of what I ate last night or rather what I did not eat last night.

I love cooking, but had let that fall to the wayside for a while. It’s sad because I really enjoy experimenting in the kitchen. Sometimes, I have “Wups” incidents. As much as I hate tossing out food, I’ve had to do it before because I couldn’t stomach it.

So not all ‘trial-and-error’ methods in the kitchen are a good idea.

Cooking is third to my first love. Music.

All my life, I’ve been around music. In my family, taking up and learning an instrument was encouraged. My mother exposed me to so many different genres of music during car rides that by the time I was just starting high school, I had clear favorites.

Back then, even though I could play percussion (which is more than just drums) and piano, I had no idea that I had an additional instrument.

Nearly twenty years ago, I found out that I was able to sing. All the same, I suffered from terrible stage fright. I agreed at the time to do solos in one of my classes for the service time I’d need to graduate.

I was informed that I would sing at graduation. Not asked. Told… like at our Senior Banquet, I was told to do a solo. I hated that.

I was encouraged to seek out a singing scholarship for college, but refused. I was completely and utterly tired and fed up with people trying to control what came out of my mouth. Or my hands.

… I gave all of it up because I didn’t want to be the center of attention.

Now, I wonder if that was a good idea. I never thought I sounded any good, but over the years I’ve learned that I could have had a vocal coach or some sort of training. I could have learned how to better protect my singing voice.

Certain things you just learn because it makes sense. Have to sing something? Best to avoid dairy. Secondary vocal warmup? Warm or hot water/tea without sugar.

I’ve never had any formal training though – not wanting to give other people the satisfaction or open the doorway to being ridiculed further. I had convinced myself (and had been convinced by those who meant me ill) that I sounded absolutely terrible.

In my mind, graduation was a big prank pulled on me then.

I didn’t think about it again until 2014-2015. I asked someone who was to become one of my dearest friends if it was safe for me to sing around her. I explained that I was very embarrassed about how I sounded.

Then 2020 happened, and while everything was grounded to a halt, my singing was not. I actually ended up singing more because of the pandemic. Had to keep myself entertained, right?

Right around the same time, I was searching online for fanfiction within familiar genres, but with ‘unique’ pairings. I ended up traveling through so many different websites, flicked back and forth between different stories… but I never found what I wanted.

When I started “Open Arms”, I had more of an idea as to what I wanted to eventually see. This was even though I realized that I was laying the groundwork for a more extensive and longer story.

“Navigating the Curve” on the other hand… That one came out of the blue. I just knew what I wanted to see, and I couldn’t find it. I found a lone story that touched on some of what I wanted… but I couldn’t stand how it was written.

Then, there was the logistics of it all. When I first started, I was popping out 4K weekly for “Open Arms” and 10K for “Navigating the Curve”. That quickly turned out to be a bad idea.

Not that there’s anything wrong with writing. Considering how much time went into writing and what I thought passed for editing? Yikes.

My mental health, which I’ve struggled with for well over twenty years, deteriorated further in early 2021 right around the time I became more sporadic with my writing.

Lots of things happened. Not all of it good, but I came out on the other side. Mostly. A large chunk of time was lost between December 2021 and April 2022. Everything around me worsened, and it took that very good friend of mine to yank me literally out of my own chaos.

She’s an absolute sweetheart and one of the best people I’ve ever had in my life.

Now, I’m back to writing, but with a far lighter load.

And I’m singing the whole way. Seriously. When I write, I’m physically singing the majority of the time.

I also just spent about 40 minutes trying to figure out if I should order printer paper from Costco.

That completely interrupted my train of thought.

Till Then!

XXO

~ J. Lyst