Hey, Miss J!

Sometimes… I feel like I’m being punished for being honest. When I get asked: “How have you been?” and I have a rotten weekend, what am I supposed to say?

“Oh, fine. Do not worry; everything was fine. I absolutely had no problems.”

That’s not at all correct. I had so much anxiety rise up in me that I worried I was going to strangle myself just from the stress. The majority of the anxious thoughts that I deal with are self-induced.

I have a problem and while most people would turn doubts around in their minds… for me? I twist things over and over in my head. That little “inner voice” can be a pain in my neck sometimes.

It gleefully takes the position of Judge, Jury and Executioner. The absolute worst scenario is the one that will happen. Nothing happy will ever happen.

Because to me, bad things seem to happen with frequency.

Or maybe that’s just my perception…

So, what did I do today? I was honest about how I felt to my doctor. I mentioned the anxiety and horrible depression over the weekend. I also tried to explain that I managed to pull myself out of it faster than before.

Before meds, I’d be in a funk for days… weeks even.

Instead, she at first decided to up my dosage, then wanted to put me on an additional medication. That new med? That causes drowsiness.

I asked… begged not to be put on one more medication that causes drowsiness. I’m already on enough.

The fatigue can be awful… to where I fall asleep literally everywhere.

Apparently constant fatigue = worsening depression.

Not always.

I’m scheduled for a sleep study to find out if something’s happening to me at night to cause the daytime fatigue.

To top it off, my doctor listed the wrong birthdate and then decided to call my meds in. The pharmacy claims they never heard from her.

I…

Ugh…

Hopefully tomorrow I can get my medication and be calm. The dose increase, as usual, has me very worried. Thankfully, she decided against additional pills along with a dosage increase.

I guess I need to order more water. The thirst you have with this type of medication is very real.

And apparently… I’m supposed to be overflowing with happiness and not have bad days on these meds.

And I look like I’ve been rubbing powdered sugar all over my lips if I’m not careful.

Yes.

The thirst and dehydration are very real.

I think I just need to avoid people in general right before my appointment. Because they’re making stuff worse for me.

Till then…

~ Miss J

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