Hey, Miss J!

I hate that I’m so unfocused at times.

For a long time, I felt like I was at a crossroads in my life. There was nothing at the other side though.

For many years, I’ve floated around with very little desire or purpose to do anything. A speech impediment makes it difficult for me to express myself at all. If I sound clear and understandable in my podcast or through this blog, that’s because my tongue is not in charge.

My mind powers what I put to paper and what comes out of my mouth afterwards. My podcast is primarily a dress rehearsal from my blog. Sure, I’ve voiced things that were never in my blog, but that’s because I was physically unable to formulate what I wanted to say.

Streams of consciousness are very interesting. You say whatever comes to mind.

Even when I’m uncontrolled, I still have to restrain myself.

Underneath it all continues to be that fear. “If I’m me, no one would like me.”

I need to stop. Stop hiding, dancing around things and being overall indecisive.

If I go much longer, I’ll start to forget who I am under all of… This.

No one is around me at night, though, when I let my usually tight control slacken just a little.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a musician, so while sitting and creating this update… I will note that yes, I was weaving and swaying in my seat along the music pumping through my headphones.

Not only was I moving my head to and fro, I was also singing. At the top of my lungs.

With my eyes closed.

My neighbor told me she can’t hear me at night. I hope that’s true. Otherwise, she’s getting a free concert every night.

Tonight’s Selection: Sarah McLachlan.

I have “Sweet Surrender” on repeat.

It’s a perfect reflection of my emotions for the last few weeks. It does a far better job explaining it than I could ever do.

Am I still heartbroken?

Yes. So much – for what never was.

There’s no need for me to be hurt. I was never rejected, because I never mentioned anything. I try so hard to keep that contained, but I’m starting to worry that little things are leaking through.

Here I go, still erasing parts of myself.

When I remove things that I’ve written for fear of the reception… I’m still hiding myself.  

Who am I?

I’m starting to find her, but I need to keep looking.

I don’t want to lose track of her.

Not when I’m starting to like her.

~ Miss J

Did you know that this blog has live narration? Check the ‘Podcast’ link above to listen in!