Hey, Miss J!

Time: 10:24PM

Date: July 12, 2021

Mood: Annoyed.

I don’t know what to say.

I have an entire post written that never saw the light of day. There were podcasts that were never recorded. Because I wasn’t certain that it would be of palatable substance.

At the end of the day, I still continue to go in reverse in an attempt to erase or cover things I’m dealing with things I want to say.

Why do I do that?

Why hide?

Why can’t I ever be myself?

At the end of the day, I don’t feel comfortable being myself online… not entirely.

There was a time years ago, when I was open about everything about me.

I was the same way in person.

And I was smacked down for it. Made fun of. Mocked and ridiculed.

So… I started to hide.

I’m only completely myself with certain people.

Even my friends…

Most don’t know me as well as they think.

Is that wrong? I’m honestly not sure.

How is my writing going? Not well. I’m uncertain if it’s due to my schedule or just being busy and uninterested, but I seem to have lost my ability to write.

There’s a strong possibility that my medication is to blame for this.

But even before the meds, I had issues dealing with bouts of being uninspired.

Still, it seems like I’m having to pay a very unfair price. The payment… the price I’m paying to remain “stable” is that now I’ve lost my creative writing processes.

And when that goes… everything else goes with it.

I don’t think that’s fair at all.

Now I have to deal with some of the emotions that fuel my writing… just bubbling up… but I can’t find the right outlet.

Should I change venues? Maybe start a different genre of fiction? I don’t know. I suppose I’ll have to figure that out for myself, hmm?

And I’m still heartbroken on top of everything else.

Why can’t I get away from what will never be?

~ Miss J