Hey, Miss J!

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I don’t want to ever be accused of saying that I can see ahead, but in this case… I knew that the high had a low. What goes up must eventually come down, right? For a good while, I was riding on what I called an “elevated” or “boosted” mood.

Certainly, I assumed, this has got to be from the medication. I’ve never had a period of time where I felt absolutely ‘fine’ for so long. I was afraid of the crash because I’m more used to smacking into the ground than floating near the clouds.

But it happened. Just what I was worried would.

I fell.

I plummeted right down from the heights of my own personal hot-air balloon. I was so worried when I felt that old ‘friend’ returning. I didn’t want to see that side of myself ever again. It’s inevitable that problems come. They can’t be avoided. You can’t always have just sweet things. Reality isn’t like that.

I landed…but it wasn’t where I thought I would. Sure, there was that warning crack of thunder in the back of my mind, but no lightning came with it. There was no flame… no real heat. Just a small sliver of smoke.

I didn’t start to self-implode.  

The sensation is still strange as I sit here. It’s like I had a safety net halfway down that caught me.

Today, during therapy, I discussed the value of doing what I loved versus trying various methods to obtain income. The ‘no money’ thing is still on my mind. How could it not be? I’ve said before that I needed to just focus on ways to make myself happy.

Why did this happen? How did I end up back here again?

But… It wasn’t nearly as dark as before.

I can go back to what I love and not be so scared of what my therapist calls: “Some distant place in the future.” I don’t know what will happen months away from now, no one does. Instead of fixating on what I can’t control, I’m going to keep my eyes ahead on what I can do.

I’m also trying to learn how to crochet. I was trying to make a square. It didn’t quite turn out like that.

Oh well.

Until then.

~ Miss J.