Hey, Miss J!

It normally takes two to dance the tango.

I prefer to sit on the sidelines and watch.

My stability, or lack thereof is a topic that I agonize over often. I’ve learned recently that I need to be able to drive on a more regular basis. It’s upsetting because as long as I take my anxiety pills, I’m fine.

I don’t act like a big goober when I’m properly medication.

I don’t sit and struggle with the persistent nothingness inside.

Sometimes, I feel hollow. Like I’m weak and brittle and just the right amount of force will make me snap.

What’s sad is that I am exactly like that… fragile.

It’s because of medicine that I don’t think of ending my own suffering much if that. I pulled myself away from most if not all social media. Last year, I described it as a strange but pleasant sensation of floating.

It is floating.

I feel like I’m flying.

But it’s too fast.

I’m flying far too high.

So my little green pills were introduced. I didn’t like them and how hard they made me sleep, but it was good sleep.

So my little hot air balloon kept soaring far too close to the clouds, and I ended up the little yellow and pink pills and told to take them three times a day. Which is fine and dandy. They make me relax.

I can just sit in my little box and allow the current to carry me downstream.

The problem is that feeling that much at ease means I can’t drive at all.

Not if I want to avoid killing myself and potentially others.

My doc upped my dose this year, which was like attaching a jetpack to me.

Everything picked up… more thirst, more unending peeing, an even higher heart rate and sweating.

I could break into a marathon runner’s sweat just by putting my socks and pants on. Anything that made me challenge my body just a ‘little’ would result in floods of sweat pouring down my face and back.

The excess engorgement and enhanced sensitivity in my erogenous areas was not wanted at all.

Then, my pain increased and I wanted to scream. Pains in my legs.

So back at my prior dose, but needing my (now) little light-green and dark-green to hold a conversation so as to not blurt out something that I should not.

I’ve been triggered now for several months though, so that doesn’t help either.

Which is why I watch videos of birds and squirrels fighting. Sounds silly, no?

But I just saw two mourning doves fight over a glass of black sunflower seeds. I don’t know about any violence or shooting in my city right now and I don’t care.

If something major happened, I’ll find out in the morning.

It’s like when I was told by my aunt to keep my phone on at night, cos what if something happens and someone dies?

I told her simply: “They’re not gonna be any less dead in the morning at normal hours.”

And…. BOOM!

~J. Lyst