Hey, Miss J!

I know what my plan last night was… What I actually achieved is the exact opposite. I did not make a single keystroke.

I think I’m literally tapping on dry now. Maybe the tank’s at or near “Empty” right now? I feel like I poured way too much into ‘Lemonade’ before stepping near chapter 14. I can’t even remember what I’m supposed to aim for this chapter.

I’ve been noticing lately that I can’t remember things with increasing frequency. As a person under the age of 50, that makes me very worried. I’m beginning to get lost in the middle of conversations.

…Only for the topic to return to me about three minutes later. Then, I get distracted for 30 seconds and lose track of the conversation again.

I was trying to give a friend of mine some advice on Saturday, someone said something to us, and I completely forgot what I was saying to him.

That is awful.

Having a sharp memory was something I prided myself on.

Is it the drugs? Are drugs the cause of these lapses in memory? Is that even a symptom?

Have I read it before somewhere?

Huh… at least I can re-read over this page and sort of know where I’m going.

My left wrist is deciding to become a jerk now.

It’s quite unfortunate, seeing as I plan on working more on an assignment tonight, clean my CPAP so I don’t die in my sleep, and do some writing for NtC.

I cooked dinner tonight… so there is that. And made a loaf of bread.

I can’t be dismissive of the fact I can still do these things, but I don’t think they require quite as much concentration as holding a conversation with another person.

If I can’t maintain normal conversations anymore, what does that mean for my future?

I feel very disappointed in myself and sad, as if it’s my fault. I’m literally being drugged out of my mind. If I wasn’t already demented in some way and in need of medical intervention, this wouldn’t be happening to me.

Is it bad that most of the time I just want to sleep as of late too?

It’s not depression!

At least I hope not.

Well… it’s dark out. So, I’ll get this up.

I can’t make any promises about what I’ll end up doing tonight. What I do know is that I need my little yellow pills.

That leaves me with an uncomfortable question though… Are they helping me focus where my white pills seem to pull coherency out of my head? I know they help me sleep.

Or are they both against me?

Is my body in combat with the rest of me or due to the meds?

Lots of thinking to do tonight. Hope I remember the outcome tomorrow.

Till Then!

~ J. Lyst