Hey, Miss J!

Wrist feels a little bit better today. I consider it quite an accomplishment… one that I had nothing to do with. I wore my brace when I went out earlier today. I also have one that I’m able to sleep with at night.

I didn’t mention this yesterday too, or maybe I did.

Some of my friends know that I have some physical deficiencies, but I can explain a little more here. I’m not sure if I’ve ever explained the extent of what I have to go through.

• I don’t have the strength or stamina to maintain my own yard for one, which means I rely on others to do the work for me. Unfortunately, the one person I was paying to do my yard this time just took his payment and left the job unfinished.

There was just debris in front of my car and right in front of my front door. He refused to answer his phone or return my payment.

I felt…

Hurt.

It’s hard for me to be comfortable enough to trust anyone, and until yesterday I could trust him to do his job.

So, I saw him today watering someone else’s lawn, two houses over from me after I was dropped off at home. I was still angry when I saw him, but tried hard to push it away. There’s no reason to squabble over spilt milk, after all. It was my fault for believing he would continue being honest.

However, I won’t be using his services any more. I’ve asked my next-door neighbor if they can manage my yard for me. I’ll see how it goes. One of them came out, despite not feeling well, and cleaned up the debris from the front of the house. It was immensely grateful for that.

In the back, the debris is still in front of my car… but I can eventually get that up. It might take me a bit. The days where I don’t feel like absolute garbage are few and far between. After I saw the mess yesterday, I had to scramble into the house and take some of my medication.

The last thing I wanted to do was lose my temper and start screaming in here.

See, to drive, I can’t take the medication that treats my anxiety. That leaves me absolutely insane for the entirety of the time until I can take it again. I never felt like this – before I was receiving treatment for depression.

The meds for depression gave me additional energy but increased my anxiety a lot, so I am on medication for anxiety. And I still have to watch out for heightened mood swings now. I think the anxiety aggravates them.

So, when the dosage for my depression medication increased – see where I’m going here?

It’s… yeah.

Looking at some of my symptoms when I don’t have the anxiety meds, I think I had low dopamine levels before all of this. My body has new surprises for me now, ones I never asked for and didn’t want.

Aside from the excessive sweating, which is terrible. I feel like I have an inferno moving under my skin. I’ve awoken before completely soaked along with the bedsheets.

It was awful, like someone dumped an entire bucket of water on me. From head to toe.

I can’t sleep well without the anxiety meds. I feel very umm… ‘awake’. The longer I go without my pills, the worse it gets.

There’s a persistent nasty taste in my mouth, no doubt left over from the medication. Hours and hours after I take it. The medication even has an effect on how I smell.

Also I – Well… I don’t feel right describing exactly what else I am now capable of doing. I’ll just state that sometimes I sit on a freezer pack or hold one between my legs. For twenty to thirty minutes.

If I could describe how badly I’m rolling my eyes right now…

So I decided to take a break from writing that surprisingly difficult scene for NtC and write my daily blog post.

I also just realized that I had audio editing and recording to do today… and other paperwork to deal with.

I spose that’ll be hit tomorrow.

Let the additional eyerolling commence!

Till Then

~ J. Lyst