Hey, Miss J!

Peace.

Calm.

It’s 6:32PM on a Sunday evening, and I feel frustrated. I’m on the edge of feeling anxious because I had plans this evening. Most of today went well. I was able to accomplish everything I set out to do.

Almost.

As I look around the room that I’m seated in, I continue to be upset by the confusion, the clutter. I’m so easily able to adapt in situations that require my attention to split four ways but alone? With a single focal point?

Not a chance.

I cleared and straightened out a lot today, but it still doesn’t seem like enough. I have so many days when I feel lost…adrift. I can’t find it in me to do much of anything.

I hate despise days like that. How can someone feel of worth if all they do that day is cook, eat and look at old reruns on Amazon Prime?

I hope to resume writing this month because when I first started up again last year, I was so energetic, so excited. I was posting every week. Literally… Weekly.

I had so many ideas and wanted to share them with everyone.

So, I decided to get one beta, which turned into two. I became frustrated waiting for edits, and I started to doubt myself. Then, I began to sink. I pulled myself out of the mire, but it was never the same again. The fire in me seemed to have been all but extinguished.

Then… no income at all. Unfocused and desperate, I started trying to be a YouTuber. – primarily for financial means. So much…. Struggling to film and edit videos, when I’d never done it before in my life. Fighting (in vain) to keep up with a schedule that wouldn’t make sense to anyone. I felt even more downhearted from the lack of attention than anything.

Did I gain anything from that? Yes. I’ve learned that it’s important to stick to a schedule, that edits matter…that thumbnails and proper titles matter.

Did I lose anything? Far too much sleep to count. Anxiety, which I’ve battled off and on for years reared its ugly head more than it ever has. I realized, far too late, that I was spending too much time on social media…waiting for the next post, the next click. I needed to settle down, relax and go back to where I belonged.

I’m a writer at the beginning and ending of the day. I’m not a poet. Never have been, never will be. I do know a thing or two about evoking emotions.

I just need to find that excited person that I was last year and bring her back.

It’s now 6:45PM. And the window for my grocery order was 4-6PM, with no indications that anyone will deliver my groceries tonight.

Well…

I suppose I have to just wait then, eh?

Man… I’m hungry.

Did you know that I also have Podcasts? Click here to listen.

~Miss J.